What if I told you that every time I've ever found myself spinning my mental wheels in spiritual mud;
every time I've found myself wondering where my happiness disappeared to;
every time I've flown in my dreams only to wake up in the morning and find myself once again mercilessly tied to reality;
every time I've found myself confused;
every time I've been afraid to try, because I
knew I'd fail;
every time I've gone ahead and tried, and,
sure enough, failed;
and
every time my confidence has been replaced with questions...
Every. time.--
It's always been for the
same, simple reason.
What if I told you that?
Would you believe me?
And what if I followed that sweeping statement up with this one:
One, single, highly uncomplicated little word has always brought me back to joy.
Would you, could you believe?
Well, [
giggles]
guess what?...
- - - - -
I'm more than a bit ashamed to tell you this. But it's the truth, and I'm going to tell you because every time dreams come true and I fly again (even while I'm awake) I find myself gripped with this desire to pass the gift of free flight
to you. And this is the only way I know how...
So, I walk. Duck under and around, pick through muddy patches on the forest floor just undressed from it's cloak of fluffy whiteness. I stop by one secret sacred spot, then turn to visit another. I'd rather walk than sit today, restless as I am.
I tussle with this emptiness. This emptiness I hate, especially since I know what it is to be full. And the gnawing drives me soon beyond words, and rather than ask, I simply listen. And quieter than a whisper on the wind, this God Whose voice I'm learning to recognize better and better, He marshals silent words and they press into my mind one at a time--
"There is. no. substitute. for obedience."
Uh. What to do when God "quotes" you?
I sigh. He speaks only truth.
I don't argue. But I am silent for a long, long time.
"But...
but it cross-grains my personality,
and my values,
and my family culture,
and my preferences,
and my conventions."
"And your convictions?"
Silence again.
"Can't I just...just..."
"Few things in the world are more dangerous than a soldier with a mind of his own.
And I know it crosses you. But I still ask it of you."
How petty are the things we cling to, when compared with the joy of flying free.
I stop my pacing, straighten up to my full 5 feet 6, look steady at the open sky and with a twinge of fierceness born of resolution re-born, and answer:
"Yes. Yes."
And I feel myself take flight again...
- - - - -
This is not rocket science. There is no mystery.
I spent the latter half of my prayer walk plotting against my enemies.
Namely, the three that are one, that make my dreams impossible. That limit my reach to that which is earthly. That confuse, confound, and cause to fear and to fail...
They are simply,
Conditional Yes, Deferred Yes, &
Incomplete Yes.
And all three of them are just
fancy names for no.
I have learned that to negotiate, (that is, to plead for a compromise or conditions) to hesitate, (that is, to wait even three seconds before
actuating obedience) or just plain letting the discussion trail off, robs me of life and joy.
It robs me of communion, and confidence.
It robs me of my wings.
And failing to answer yes to the seemingly insignificant blinds me to the realities of the significant...
And vice versa.
One word. Would you believe? It always takes me back to joy; makes God's dreams come true.
One word.
"Yes."
